Riffing On Realness™

Helping Others and Why It's Tricky

Episode Summary

In this episode, we explore what's going on when we want to help others or when others want to help us. Sometimes, well-intentioned advice can feel irritating or disempowering. In turn, we may find ourselves trying to fix other people's problems. When we look deeper at what's going on, do we need others to be okay so we can feel okay?

Episode Notes

Here’s what we explored:

• when we listen for our own wisdom around problems, we get helpful fresh ideas that may include asking someone for help
• if we identify help we need and then ask, that feels different from having others telling us what to do when we haven't asked
• ask how you can help. Don't make assumptions about what someone wants and needs
• we want our own capacity for returning to well-being to be recognised when people offer help
• we also assume people can't handle feeling distress
• we can become frightened by others' distress
• often, without awareness, the reason we want others to feel better is because we need them to feel better so we can feel better
• when we catch sight of this, we realise it is all about us!
• do we really see, we are okay at a deeper essential level (and so is everyone else)?
• Carla talks about when she had her breakdown-breakthrough, how her wisdom told her to let herself completely unravel, and then when everything was stripped back she felt her deeper essence
• what people crave is a grounded presence
• when our sense of ourselves gets interrupted, we may attempt to patch ourselves up and try to carry on as before
• there is a terror of falling apart
• being present with ourselves is an extraordinary gift
• when we speak to someone as if they are whole, not broken, without judgment, we invite the other to find that place in themselves
• 'Why' questions don't usually give a satisfying answer - 'why am I feeling this way?'
• as we deeply realise we are more than our feelings, we get to take how we feel less seriously
• there is an intelligence in our inner experience (all of it), you begin to get eyes for the wisdom of the moment - it's alive
• the difference between feeling our emotions and collapsing into our emotions
• if we don't reflect on why we want to help and ask others what help they want (if they know), then we're not really being helpful
• often we grab hold of the story because it's a diversion, something to do.
• it looks like it's empathetic but it moves the focus away from the present
• the point of lightening up is, not only do we feel better, we are more resourced to hear and act on our wisdom
• often, our head is disconnected from our hearts
• as we get more sense of a deeper dimension we get kinder towards our psychological experience
• we don't take how we feel so personally
• when are low, we are usually living in the past and when we are feeling anxious often we are living in the future
• coming back into the present can help us find equilibrium
• as we wake up to the wild ways our dramatic brains go on, we get to take it less seriously
• if you catch yourself trying to fix others, it's a good place to sit and reflect on how much you can get present with your own distress
• we're human, we fall into our old tracks of thought but as we catch sight more and more of what's going on, there's a softening
• we begin to see our ridiculousness with love and humour rather than judgement
• being okay with whatever our experience is means we get to be okay with others, whatever experience they are having
• the space of not knowing is fertile ground and we begin to get curious rather than fearful when we don't know
• come alongside others in support but without making demands
• don't underestimate the power of warmth and connection and being fully present with someone in distress

Quotes and References

• webinar: Mavis Karn and Grace Kelly, Essential Selfishness
• René Descartes, "I think therefore I am"

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Carla is a mindset & performance coach working with high-achieving, high-performance entrepreneurs who are dealing quietly with anxiety.

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Poet & 3 Principles facilitator, Juliet loves exploring and pointing towards freedom of mind for those curious to engage more fully with all aspects of their life. 

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